You never think you’re going to have to write this. Not when you have a big (apparently) healthy, active, highly monitored baby growing and doing kickboxing in your belly.

Not when you’ve done this three times before and it has been better than perfect.

Not when you are really really excited.

Not when you’re really really ready.

Not when you’re really really close.

Charlotte Patricia Anne was born silent on January 20, 2014. At 1:13 pm, after a labour that lasted about an hour, and was beautiful in a special way.

We don’t know why our precious baby died. Maybe they’ll never find the cause.

We really miss her. I adored my belly and the baby within and I still feel so devastatingly shocked that we didn’t get to bring her home.

I am blessed with an amazing husband who is my rock and reminds me every day of the beauty, joy, love and hope that exists in my life. I am blessed with three children who make me smile each day and who give me reason to be brave and strong and survive. I am blessed with friends and family who are supporting us beyond measure and who we appreciate and need and love more than they’ll ever know.

Each day is getting easier.