I’d have to say that June has seen me transform, a lot.
In January, when we lost our precious baby (no cause was found – she was perfect and I had a perfect pregnancy, so her death will remain a mystery), I thought I would never, ever be happy again. Ever.
Five months later, and I have realised that happiness has returned in my life. It has been a lot of hard work. I’ve had a lot of help, including therapy. And knowing that I’m not alone has helped so much.
First, it started with little things. Little things would make me smile and feel happy, even just for a short time. Over time, the happiness began to linger and the tears began to recede.
When you have experienced true sorrow, which, until this year I had never done, any happiness you feel is like bright diamonds in the sunlight. It feels so good!
So, I feel more ‘normal’ these days. I feel happy. I feel sad. It’s a more even spread of emotion. The lows, which are certainly there, are not so low, but the highs feel higher. I was told this would happen, but in the beginning I didn’t believe it, and sought reassurance from everybody that I would feel happy once more. Everybody said that I would be happy again. Everybody said it would feel more like me, in time.
I will never ever forget Charlotte and I will always miss her, but the sorrowful thoughts are not usually at the front of my mind these days. I was so excited and ready for our baby girl. It was crazy how happy and excited I was. I will always remember the joy she gave me in the seven months I knew of her existence in my belly. I cannot understand why such a healthy baby could die, but apparently it ‘just happens’ sometimes – and a lot more frequently than I ever knew.
I’ve made it sound easy haven’t I. It’s not. It’s not easy. But it’s doable. We can manage through tragedy. We can build ourselves anew and find joy in life. I’m on a sad but beautiful journey. I smile more than cry. I’ve got wonderful support in my husband and beautiful friends, who treat me like a normal person! I’ve got great children. I feel blessed. I’ve had beautiful pregnancies, beautiful births, beautiful babies and wonderful children. I actually feel very blessed. And I feel such hope for our future.